For some weird reason this blog has gotten views over the 2+ years it was inactive. It's probably robots or someone who got lost.
It's been a long time, and truthfully, I think I had completely forgot I made this Blog. I think after I moved away from my first high school, things got better. I mean, it's been years since I've written anything here. I've graduated high school, even did some college. And now I work a 50 hour a week job, with little to no meaning. I mean what I do is great, but is it what I really want with my life?
My depression isn't any better. I just think that I have gotten better at hiding it. I've been working non-stop overtime recently, and it's been okay. Being at work helps keep my mind off of my mental issues, and my loneliness. I tried living on my own for a while, but truthfully, it made my depression worse. But I did like it. It was nice?
I don't know why I came back to this. Maybe because it's nice to write something where no one will see it. Where no one I know will ever know it exists. And it's good to find some kind of outlet for my feelings.
I am alone. I am 20. And alone. I have no friends. I sit a lone at home, watching Netflix or reading. I discovered the Kindle app for my iPad. Non-stop reading is great. Reminder: I have to renew my library card. A part of me says it is okay to be alone. To not really have anyone. No plans. No one to text me first. Or IM me first at work. I reach out to others, but they have their own things going on. I guess every one has moved on, and yet I am still in the same place.
People at work ask me if I am okay. And I lie. I say yes. I tell them I am just tired, and a little overworked, but okay. I fake a smile, and tell a joke. That tends to get them off my back for a while. There's someone at work that asks others if I am okay- when I am not there. "Hey, is ___ okay?" The people he ask often reply with "not sure, but she sure works a lot." I think it's okay. As long as they all keep believing I am okay.
Maybe one day I'll be able to admit to someone in person that I am not okay.
But I don't want their pity. Or advice.
I don't know.
I'm just tired.
