It's a person

As I a writing this I am in bed. It's been a hard few months. I am happy that I am working so much, but when I am not at work, the thoughts take over. I think I am at the point where I am just tired, all the time. No matter the amount of sleep.

Recently, I have learned to accept my depression. It's a part of me, but also not me. When I feel really down, I imagine it as a separate person. I can feel it's hand on my shoulder, spreading the chill throughout my body. I am numb. It controls my life. This thing that I have manifested into something else just so I don't have to admit that I am sick. It's not me, but it's me.

I think making my depression have a face, that isn't my own, helps me cope.

A Long Time

For some weird reason this blog has gotten views over the 2+ years it was inactive. It's probably robots or someone who got lost.

It's been a long time, and truthfully, I think I had completely forgot I made this Blog. I think after I moved away from my first high school, things got better. I mean, it's been years since I've written anything here. I've graduated high school, even did some college. And now I work a 50 hour a week job, with little to no meaning. I mean what I do is great, but is it what I really want with my life?

My depression isn't any better. I just think that I have gotten better at hiding it. I've been working non-stop overtime recently, and it's been okay. Being at work helps keep my mind off of my mental issues, and my loneliness. I tried living on my own for a while, but truthfully, it made my depression worse. But I did like it. It was nice?

I don't know why I came back to this. Maybe because it's nice to write something where no one will see it. Where no one I know will ever know it exists. And it's good to find some kind of outlet for my feelings.

I am alone. I am 20. And alone. I have no friends. I sit a lone at home, watching Netflix or reading. I discovered the Kindle app for my iPad. Non-stop reading is great. Reminder: I have to renew my library card. A part of me says it is okay to be alone. To not really have anyone. No plans. No one to text me first. Or IM me first at work. I reach out to others, but they have their own things going on. I guess every one has moved on, and yet I am still in the same place.

People at work ask me if I am okay. And I lie. I say yes. I tell them I am just tired, and a little overworked, but okay. I fake a smile, and tell a joke. That tends to get them off my back for a while. There's someone at work that asks others if I am okay- when I am not there. "Hey, is ___ okay?" The people he ask often reply with "not sure, but she sure works a lot." I think it's okay. As long as they all keep believing I am okay.

Maybe one day I'll be able to admit to someone in person that I am not okay.

But I don't want their pity. Or advice.

I don't know.

I'm just tired.

Time gap.

Oh my, it seems that I have not blogged in about two months...whoops.
If anyone cares, I am still alive and got through my rough patch. Although there are times that I still want to kill myself, I just kind of get over it...slowly.
I went to One OK Rock on February 7th in LA and it was beautiful<3 Not to mention that a few days ago I found out that OOR will be play Van's Warped Tour and one of their shows will be in Las Vegas. I do not know any other OORockers that are in Las Vegas, so hopefully this live is kind of nice. Ofc standing out in the heat in Las Vegas just for a 30 minute set seems kind of crazy. It's worth it though.
I'm honestly debating on making a scrap book, a letter, or a poster to give to them during this event. Hopefully the Luxor lets me bring it in.
Ugh ONE OK ROCK <3 even though they don't really know I exist it's all worth it because they have forever saved me in so many ways and dajkfjsdkajfds.
okay, so on Tumblr I posted a post about a dream I had. So I'll repost it here because it's kind of sad and yet kind of cute bc I wish it would really happen.
WAIT WAIT WAIT, AT WARPED CAN I SPEND ALL OF IT WITH OOR AFTER THEIR SET? OMG YES? OKAY.
Any whooooo, here is my dream post.

Okay, so I had a dream last night (keep in mind that a couple days earlier I found out about OOR playing Warped in Las Vegas) and it was amazing.

So this is how it went: I was at a One OK Rock concert and it wasn’t like the one in LA or any in Japan. The whole venue was up close to the stage but all in seats…and extremely dark. Me, being a total Taka freak but yet still really dedicated to Tomoya, put my hand out towards the stage. I was shocked when I felt something soft touch my hand in return. Thus, I looked up and through my teary eyes I see Taka. Of course my sleeping brain decided it would be a good thing or him to cry with me. All in the all, the concert went on. 

Afterwords, I got out of it and it was daylight outside. Which seems a little strange now looking back on it, but it’s a dream…so why sweat it? I walk down these steps and see a shit load of people standing in front of a gigantic balcony. Of course I thought it was One OK Rock standing up there, but some girl runs by yelling “IT’S BROKENCYDE!” (how I thought of this group in my dreams I don’t know)

So heartbroken I walk away from the scene of fangirls over Brokencyde and get tapped on my shoulder. There, in disguise, is Taka. I mean total Aladdin x Jasmine scene in the streets. AND RIGHT FUCKING THEN MY GODDAMN ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF TO GET ME UP FOR WORK.

I COULD OF HAD A SWEET DATE WITH TAKA ALADDIN STYLE BUT NO, NO. FUCKING PIKACHU ALARM CLOCK AND ITS BULLSHIT.

end of dream. fuckfuckfuck 

-Your friendly neighborhood Ri~

There are things I always remember.

     Yesterday was New Years Eve and I got wasted. I told my crush, which I introduced in my last two posts, how I felt about him. At this point he wasn't even a crush, but someone I liked deeply. I guess that is still a crush isn't it? Back to the main point, I told him to forget that I even told him anything. Want to know his words? Here are his exact words via wonderful iMessage:
    
     "d'awww this is like something out if an anime where the MC gets a confession :3
you're so sweet Elisa, and might I add you have great taste haha."
     Then he sent me a "Happy New Years Sydney" as it was meant for his cousin. Later he wishes me a Happy New Years and I continue to tell him to just forget about how I feel for him. Because come on, who could like this fat and ugly poor excuse for a human being.
   
     He continues to tell me how sweet it was of me. SOOOOO flat out rejection.
                           A few minutes pass as he then asks:
     "Just wondering, what in specific do you like about me?"
and there I went, pouring my heart out in a text message about why I have liked him for almost a year. I think it's been over a year. Who cares, because he doesn't.
So then that brings on about 2 hours of crying and me contemplating cutting again tonight after I'm done writing this.

     February 7th is the One OK Rock concert and after that I think I just may give up for good. Give up on life that is.
Death has always looked so pretty. (I'll probably chicken out though, lol.)
~Ri

Wade and I?

It's still not letting me write in the Compose part; I have no idea why, But I've been thinking of doing a blog series called, Wade and I. I'm not sure if you guys know but I love Spider-man...and Deadpool. I often feel as if Death is my best friend much like it was Wade's. So I feel a connection to a fictional character, sue me. (Okay, please don't sue me...even if it is a matter of speech...I'm broke.) Today we went on an adventure to go shopping (Please keep in mind that I don't imagine Wade Wilson with me; I simply wear a Deadpool shirt). Enough of that because we really didn't do much exciting... but my depression has been worse lately. On the bright side, there is some who interests my fancy at school. The dark side (once again) is that he doesn't like me back. I mean who could like something this fat and ugly. NO ONE. Enough with my retarded rant about absolutely nothing. I shall leave you all with a good day and I should be writing again very soon.

Oh! Happy New Year to everyone~

...

I feel as if this is the only site that I can express my true feelings on. Where to start? I've been having extreme anxiety attacks recently and my depression has worsened. I'm pretty sure these two are related; however, I don't know in which order. I've had high stress levels as well. It's gotten so bad that my hair is falling out. 

I haven't really though of self-harm at all, so I guess that's a good thing. Since I don't really have friends at school no one has noticed my change. Either I keep up a good mask or no one seems to care. It could be a combination of both. 

Cons of myself: I'm fat, rather ugly, annoying, anxiety attacks, and I 'have no heart. Don't forget the fact that if someone touches me I cringe. I've been wondering if this is because I'm asexual or a physiological problem. 

Pros: I have cats. 

On a (semi) brighter side, there's this guy at school that I like. Obviously he doesn't like me. I can dream can't I? 

I wish someone at school could notice my depression. I wish someone cared enough to notice. I'm just that one fat girl that has to turn side-ways to fit between rows of desks. 

Night.~ 

-Ri

One Ok Rock!~

So it has been a while since I last updated, but I hope it hasn't been too long. I recently started back to school, and it has been HELL. I mean it's not all too bad but my classes are kicking my butt. I'm not all too sure why I continue on this path, but I guess it's needed. Nothing new has really happened. From regular life to my love life. I have great news though! I got tickets to go see One Ok Rock in LA. Even though I have to miss that Friday of school, it's so worth it! Ahhhhhhhh! It's real. I get to meet the people who mean so much to me! The people who have saved me countless times. I'm so grateful to them for everything they have done. I didn't get VIP tickets. They sold out too fast for me to get since I was still at school...studying... Anywho! I have maintained straight A's so far... it's kind of scary... I have two projects due this week and honestly they're killing me. Plus I need to get more hours for Key Club because RTC is next weekend. I need 6 more hours by next Friday. My life is too much. Then I have bowling practice this week. Tuesdays and Thursday. OH HERE COME THE COSMO GIRLS. K, so I finally get to finish this post about 6 hours later. lol. So today during Autobody, we were applying primer to a truck that we hit with 80 grit then 150 grit then cleaned off with wax remover. Ok, enough of the technical terms. It was my turn to spray, and of course I get the top of the hood (and me being 5"5 doesn't mix). I mess up and my instructor calls me out. He corrects me. I finish. Later while it was time to leave this kid that was working on it with me pulls my instructor aside and was like "this is uneven" then points to the part where I sprayed it. Cool. Nothing like hitting me when I'm down. I shouldn't read into stuff like this too often, but yet I do. I don't know anymore. I really don't. I think I've lost. I constantly tell myself not to cry when I'm alone...and then I do. Enough of that. I think I'm going to head to bed now. Goodnight -Ri~ (for some reason compose isn't letting me write on it so I have to write on HTML and then it comes out as one big paragraph. Sorry! I don't know how to fix this. D: )